As we pulled out of the church parking lot, my daughter asked me: “Why do you do that?” I had switched out of the street-level view of our GPS and took a glimpse of the bigger picture of our route to her soccer game. I like the 10,000-foot vantage point in order to better understand what I’m doing.
In the first piece (“Trench-level Warfare”), we thought about the one-on-one engagement with a porn addict, Donny. We constructed a battle plan to help Donny break free from his slavery to porn and experience true freedom in Christ.
In this second piece, we’ll adopt a 10,000-foot vantage point—how do we make our whole church a safe place to deal with the problem of porn? We’ll shift from the one-on-one to the congregational level.
A Corporate-Minded Strategy for Dealing with the Porn Pandemic
Let me offer seven suggestions. These are thoughts from one pastor to another pastor, thinking together as undershepherds of God’s flock (1 Pet. 5:1-4).
1. Don’t ignore the women in your church.
Sherry felt wretched and embarrassed. Tim, her pastor, unintentionally added to her shame when he proclaimed, “Men, when you struggle with lust…” and then laid out a way to fight sexual sin and trust in God. It was thoughtful and engaging, but….it left out women. If you (as a pastor) teach or preach about lust, and describe it exclusively as a man’s problem, you will add to a woman’s shame. Women struggle with lust too. Statistics show that more women are wrestling with porn and masturbation than ever before.[1] And the problem is only going to get worse.
It will be unusual for a woman to admit her sexual addiction to you (a man). But if she does, exercise a sensitive and merciful disposition that welcomes an embarrassed addict to be honest about her struggles.[2] More commonly, your work will be to come alongside and coach the godly older women in the congregation who hear confessions of lust and pornography.[3]
2. You can’t be the sole help for everyone who is struggling with pornography.
If the statistics are correct, then you’ve got a lot of people struggling with porn in your congregation.[4] It’s not realistic for you to be the primary accountability for every man, and your wife for every woman, who asks for help.
3. You’ve got to raise up others who can do this work with you.
The best long-term strategy for fighting porn is building a culture of discipline, where members invest in others — pressing into sin and encouraging faith in Christ. By “culture,” I mean it’s the whole personality of the congregation to make and cultivate disciples of Christ. Every member has a responsibility for other members. Donny and Sherry can’t fight their porn addiction by themselves. They need a community of believers to partner with them in their war against sexual sin. As a pastor, you are the primary culture-shaper in your church. Do you encourage your church members to be invested in each other? Have you encouraged discipling and personal investment in others as a chief value in your teaching and preaching?[5]
4. Turn every conversation with a porn addict into a training opportunity.
Rather than counseling addicts on your own, why not invite into the room a small group leader, best friend, roommate, or discipler? You’re wondering: “Why would I do that?” Because they’ll learn how to be a better discipler by watching how you (as a pastor) counsel porn addicts.[6] They’ll take note of the kind of questions you ask (Prov. 20:5), the patience you demonstrate (Gal. 5:22), your gentle and loving exhortations (Gal. 6:1), and godly mercy. Black and white will transform to living color as they see a shepherd tend to one of his own weak and feeble sheep. So, as much as possible, have a discipler in the room when you counsel an addict.
5. Build a church culture where the members talk openly about sin.
Sexual sin prefers to reside in the darkness; after all, mold grows better in the dark. Nonetheless, you want a church culture where people live in the light of God’s grace. Encourage your members to be honest with each other about their sin—including porn struggles and any other variation of sexual sin. Beckon the shameful to come out of hiding and into Christ’s light. Plead with them to be reconciled with God.
6. Cultivate a church culture where it’s okay to ask hard and awkward questions.
If the members are invested in each other, encourage them to press into each other’s sin. To root out sexual sin, you’ve got to ask difficult and uncomfortable questions. When was the last time you looked at pornography? Did you masturbate? What were you looking at? Did you fantasize this past week? Are you lying to me?
Small talk is fine. It’s a normal part of most relationships. But you can’t reside in comfortable small talk and – at the same time – root out the ugliness of sexual sin. Encourage your members to dig for ungodly motivations that reside in the recesses of an addict’s heart, but also be gracious when they ask hard things. These discussions should never be a witch hunt for sin. Paul exhorts us to speak truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Some of your members are good at speaking truth and pressing on hard things, but they don’t show any mercy. Others are gracious and kind but don’t know how to say hard things to addicts. We need both truth and love if we’re going to lift an addict out of the bottomless pit.[7]
7. Preach about the beauty of a biblical view of sex.
Porn addicts have a distorted view of true beauty and sexuality. Sex is tainted by guilt, shame, and all sorts of wicked sin. Men and women are objects to be consumed rather than cherished. Sex is shrunk down and reduced to self-fulfillment. It’s dirty and idolatrous. But God is much bigger than our sexual folly. A Christian view of sex should be a shame-free, guilt-free, servant-hearted, love for a spouse. It’s about God’s honor and glory, and not about me. It’s God’s enjoyable and precious gift to a marriage, not a cheap trick to satisfy my urges. Sex is so much more, so much richer, so much more beautiful than what the world holds out to us.
As a pastor, you must think in terms of one-on-one, trench-level warfare, but also about the church as a whole. You preach, teach, and shepherd with an eye towards transforming the entire church culture – for the good of every porn struggler and the glory of God.
. . . . . . . . . .
FOOTNOTES
[1] Here’s one example: A 2015 Survey by Marie Claire magazine showed that 31% of women watched internet pornography at least once a week or more.
[2] Then, as I would with any porn addict in the congregation, I’d pair Sherry up with a godly older woman in our church, who can disciple Sherry and get into the day-to-day trenches with her.
[3] Like I stated in footnote 2 above, I think a woman struggling with porn should be discipled by an older woman in the congregation (cf. Titus 2). Encouraging older men and women who are proactively discipling young Christians is a valuable opportunity! Do note though: While there are similarities in a man and woman’s struggle with pornography, there are also differences. If you are interested in learning more about a woman’s struggle with lust, porn, and fantasy and how it differs from a man, see Helen Thorne’s excellent book Purity is Possible (Good Book Company, 2014) or the chapter on women and porn in my forthcoming co-authored book Rescue Plan (P & R books, 2021).
[4] Some examples:
-
According to a survey conducted by the Barna Group in the U.S. in 2014: 63% of adult men and 36% of adult women have looked at pornography at least one time while at work in the past 3 months.
-
According to Matt Fradd in his book The Porn Myth (Ignatius Press, 2017): 93% of boys and 62% of girls will see pornography before the age of 18.
[5] If you want to learn how to build a culture of discipling in your congregation, read Jamie Dunlop & Mark Dever’s Compelling Community: Where God’s Power Makes a Church Attractive (Crossway, 2015).
[6] You might think: “What? I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing…and now you want me to invite a discipler into the room to watch me??” You’ll be surprised at just how much the Lord can and will do through you as you walk alongside porn addicts.
[7] I got this idea of truth without love or love without truth from my reading of Will Smith’s Parenting with Words of Grace (Crossway, 2019), 17-18.
No comments have been added.