Unfair Expectations and the Pastor’s Kid: How to Respond with Wisdom

Has your child ever been treated unfairly because they’re the pastor’s kid?

I know they know better. I know you wouldn’t tolerate this. They didn’t answer any questions. These are all things you may hear about your kids when picking them up from their class. And it’s not because these are the standards for every kid. It’s because these are the standards for your kids – the pastor’s kids.

Every maternal instinct cries out against this unjust treatment of our kids. It’s not fair! And it isn’t. But it happens. How can I drown out the noise of these unfair expectations and focus on raising my kids to love and glorify God? How can I help those around my kids disciple them well so that they love the church? I hope these 4 thoughts will be helpful.

 1. Focus on raising your kids to be godly Christians, not good pastor’s kids. 

The main desire for our kids should be that they would love the Lord wholeheartedly and serve him faithfully. I discipline and disciple my kids with these goals in mind, not with the goal of making our family look good. The way I speak about how they act should point to the standards of God’s Word, not the standards of the pastor’s kids.

2. Listen and ask good questions about how things are going at church.

As a pastor’s family, you need to make a special effort to engage in conversations about church with your kids. During this time they need to feel comfortable sharing struggles, because it’s likely their only safe place to do this. After church ask your kids how church went for them and what they learned. This kickstarts a spiritual family discussion and helps you understand how they’re being treated so that you can identify any problems and address them quickly.

3. Respond wisely to issues.

Sometimes in these discussions about church, you may learn about a way that a teacher or church member handled a situation with the kids that doesn’t feel right. At this point you may be tempted to respond in the extreme: to go into mama-bear protective mode or to not want to cause conflict and allow the unfair treatment.

But we need to respond in a wise way, knowing when to let it go and when to address a pattern so that seeds of bitterness don’t grow in the child’s heart toward the church. Think of it as helping others understand that your kids, like everyone’s, are sinners in need of grace.

4. Have right expectations for your kids.

We need to also avoid having extremely high or low expectations for our own kids. No one else’s kids have to stay in the lobby so long or talk to so many adults every week. How can we make this easier for them? How can we expect courtesy (like eye contact) with others while not demanding that they give everyone a hug and talk to them forever? We need to separate godly expectations from unrealistic ones.

In a perfect church, the pastor’s kids would be treated the same as everyone else’s kids. But let’s face it, their church lives are different. We need to lean into the special blessings they get as ministry kids while helping them navigate well the challenges. Remembering they are sinners like every other kid while protecting them from unrealistic expectations, prayerfully they will walk into adulthood with a wholehearted love for God AND his people.