Behind the Smile: Facing Hurt while Trusting God as a Pastor’s Wife

I won’t soon forget the day years ago when I walked in a few minutes late to the lobby of our service one Sunday. A church member sat there, happy to point out my tardiness. Those words cut deep. What she didn’t understand was how hard I had worked to get there. How a pastor’s wife is like a single mom on Sunday mornings: how you singlehandedly have to get the kids ready and loaded up, navigate parking rain or shine with no one to drop you off, and get the kids dropped off, often while stopping to talk or minister to people along the way. At that moment I felt misunderstood, hurt and discouraged.

I know I’m not alone in my experience in being hurt by someone in the church. Hurt can come in many forms: a careless word, thoughtless deed or as more intentional. It can be toward you or, almost more painfully, toward your husband or children.

I’m sure that as pastors’ wives, we desire to respond to that hurt in healthy, godly ways. But how? I hope these 5 practical steps will help you move forward encouraged.

1. Pray about it.
   I don’t mean put this on your prayer list. I mean take your emotions, groanings and weeping to God. Tell him exactly what was said and done that hurt. Pray the Psalms of David. Claim God’s promises. Pray for the person that hurt you. Tell God about it. He’s the best place to take your honest thoughts and feelings.
2. Take a deep breath.
   In the moment of hurt, I need to bite my tongue and remove myself from the situation. I need a chance to pray, clarify my thoughts and get control of my emotions. This keeps me from making things worse by saying or doing something dumb. This also reveals my constant need to walk in the Word and by the Spirit so that I don’t handle those moments poorly.
3. Process it, but don’t dwell on it.
   I need to seek the Lord’s wisdom to discern if what the person said reveals a sin I need to repent of or something to change. I need to think about it, but I don’t need to rehearse it repeatedly in my mind or with my husband or friend. I need to set my mind on things that are honorable, lovely and commendable as Philippians 4:8 reminds us.
4. Trust God’s character.
   One of the most helpful things for me to meditate on in these moments is God’s fairness. He always sees, always knows what happens with his children. He will always make things right. He rewards those who do good. Focus on being the one who glorifies Him, not on repaying the wrongs of others.
5. Spend time with that person.
   Most believers don’t set out to hurt you; it just happens because we all sin. Often when I spend time around the people who have hurt me it takes away the false narratives about them that I’m running in my head and usually puts positive interactions there instead.

As a pastor’s wife, you will get hurt. Doing ministry is a spiritual battle and you and your family are on the front lines. What you do with that hurt matters. Don’t hoard it inside your thoughts until it seeps out through your actions. Give it to God. Let’s let God do his job as our protective father. He can make it right and see you through. He will heal you and make you better and stronger for it. Let’s trust him to do that.